No aspect of the thing before us
Gave us a hint of something worth hoping for
Yet we all looked on in curiosity
As the man turned it in his hand
Or tossed it from one hand to the other
So our heads shook and nodded
Uncertain of what our future was
With this thing in his hands
Still the sunlight hit it like hope
And hopped from corner to corner
Dazzling like electricity dazzles
Along the edges of the thing
And it shone garish bright
When he pressed the face of it with his thumb
We were all of us dumbfounded
And reached out our palms to take hold of it
The birds later wondered
Whether we mean the same thing by music now
Now that it is an inch from our brains
And ever further from the sky
Yet we all craved it with out dumb craving
Sewed pockets for it
Closed all our windows for it
Printed photographs of face after face
He said he was only passing through
Taking a piss on a shrub or two
Chuckling to himself about hopes
Hopes in a town like this town
He began packing his bags
And continued jabbering on like this
He began to leave in some unbelievable vehicle
But we could not let him go.
Some dumb idea
Some dumb idea
Persuaded him it would be fine
If he burned the earth with his last match
And helped the flames with fuming laughter
It would be alright, okay
If on the same day he told himself
None of the lies told to him since childhood
Paraded every genuine gremlin through the soot
Until they were all tuckered
Their empty throats thrashed
From shouting all night about nothing
Into the transformed twisted face of nothing
Their own faces whipped by storms
Meterorological faces
Reviewing countless past cataclysms
Portending through clouds of richer clouds
It was fine
If he lost faith in the earth that moment
If the earth whispered to him hoarse as ash
Your indecisiveness is killing me
The monotonous constancy of things
And from there you will find another road,
Follow it, and it will wind back here,
where there is another for you to take
Back to this spot again. If there
Is a doorway there or a woman who looks like me,
Tell her you know your way, tell her
To be quiet for you a moment while you hesitate here,
Tell her you heard of the eternal recurrence before
And it didn't bother you
Rather, you felt it would be more exciting,
You felt it wouldn't simply emphasize
The monotonous constancy of things.
Ben She Said (a Monologue)
The only thing I’m certain of is that I simplify my world. I take a piece and I cut the rest out. I simplify the world to make it more manageable. At least more bearable. I learned this when she came up to me and she said Ben. Ben she said. Ben. And she kept saying it. (silly repetition of the word/name BEN) And I heard her but I didn’t hear her. I think I looked like this (stunned, dazed, wondering, vulnerable face like a juvenile’s). And all around me there was a halo, like a milky ring around the whole world, and her auburn hair somehow slipped in with the rest of the ring and swirled madly like it was leaving one state and entering another. It terrified me. All that chaos. Right beneath my feet. There was a man in rags in India who said we have to take rafts from one shore to the other. It’s safer that way. We’ve got to hold onto something. But sooner or later we have to let go. I don’t know if I can ever let go. But I did for a moment, without meaning to. For a moment, I was robbed of my raft. I don’t know how long. But these feet felt the sweet ground again. Terra firma. Sweet–firm–earth. I don’t know whether she slapped me or whether she laughed into my ear, but all of a sudden I heard her loud and clear. Ben, she said–so simple, so good–and I understood her. I understood her and I was glad to walk with her who-knows-where, and even more glad to put my arm around her and lean against her as we walked.
Two Notes on (Overcoming) Nihilism II of II
2. Do our fellow earthly beings have fits of meaninglessness, of experiencing the undesirability of all things? That is, do they experience nihilism? If we assume their lives are invested with meaning, then of course: every meaningful life has the possibility of encountering nihilism on the way from birth to death. And in the case of our fellows, precisely our projects of meaning may wreak destruction on theirs. Consider building a house, or a roadway, or a new hospital or school, how much havoc came with its construction, how much shifting of others’ foundation in establishing ours, how much new lines drawn and forced removal from the old ways, is imposed upon the lives of countless beings when we build and create–anything. Even a poem’s creation chases away the birds if it is sung aloud; if written, it involves and is complicit with the harvesting of plant life, the draining of the soil in the demands made on it by marketplaces, an industry of materials, manufacturing, publishing, networks spanning beneath seas and along highways, over our heads.
Constant overcoming, life may whisper. But overcoming of what, when there is ineliminable plurality? When a probing eye can see the cowardice involved in eliminating this plurality, as so many human enterprises do, wanting to monopolize on the utterances of the earth, of the solar system, of the galaxy, of all things! Not–overcoming nihilism? Not when nihilism is always, as we just reminded ourselves, as much dispensed as left behind, in every deed. Overcoming, the gesture of overcoming, the desideratum of overcoming, is ever becoming complicit, as though the proper way to envision it is not a simple one-thing-over-another but a more complex and ambiguous one-thing-into-another, as though folding were its best diagram, as though the being that we are is really nothing more than a crevice in this folded–what? Something? Nothing? The All, the One? Well, we could go on prattling on like this, but what’s more important than this metaphysical picture is feeling in ourselves the crease and seams of other lives, in their living and their dying, as other lives are bound to us in this fashion. Always complicit.
So our co-beings on this planet are complicit, as we are, in this folding up and overcoming that is a folding. Overcoming, in any case, is not being through and over with something, for example nihilism. So what is the difference? Is there a difference? When we turn to their faces, or experience those whose faces we do not readily grasp, for instance the termite, eating away with abandon at what we’ve built, how does it stand with them and nihilism? As it stands with us, complicit all around. In other words, no difference. Unless it’s going on about it the way we do, aiming for some kind of resolution, for making plain, making a plane of, what only desires to fold into itself.
If a lion could speak, we know what he would say to us, and we would understand: Oh, what a world, what searing troubles, what rapacious joys! This and only this he would say, and we, instead of performing feats of repentance and bemoaning our complicity, apologizing for it, we would listen, we would understand. If there is any perseverance in life, any power in the step or slither or wing-beat of the long march, it is this, this understanding.
Two Notes on (Overcoming) Nihilism I of II
1. Overcoming nihilism, as a desideratum for life, is itself a nihilistic gesture. But even more: our ever getting into the posture of meaning, and, when the going got tough, maintaining that posture, has a nihilistic tinge to it. It’s as though life wears a thick garment and we get lost in its folds. Or it’s as if from whatever angle life as it happens approaches, whether from the back or from the front, or from some side, it is pounced upon by a dissatisfied animal–for nihilism at bottom is nothing more than this: dissatisfaction writ large–goading it to become this or that. Rather than letting it be what it is, not a nothingness–oh, how much definition this word has come to have for us!–nor even a something concrete and obvious, but an oncoming uncertainty, a resplendent indefiniteness! If life gives its secret in pronouncing that life is composed of constant overcomings, a deeper secret of life is: there is nothing to overcome. Let the others have nihilism, if that’s what life comes down to for them. While we, we shall have–this paradox, let it stand there as it is, an even uncannier guest than so-called nihilism, the paroxysm and fugitive dream of a certain conception of–and demand for!–desirability. No salvation, no escape from any of this–only encounter.
Charged for every apple
Charged for every apple
Until the tree was bare
And the next apple
Was twelve hundred miles away
So they shadowy handlers
Hired twelve thousand trucks
To take apples from places
Where the soil was no longer barren
Then with all the soil turned to grey
Or otherwise spoiled from filthy hands
Topsy-turvy tents turned out
Apples by the gross on demand
Now apples with skins you can eat off of
Fill baskets with their polished brands
Now all the doctors can retire
Save for those aligned with that infertile tree.
Forced to stay silent
Forced to stay silent
Swallow the merciless white
Pills on our countertop
Left for us by the league
Stay inside until it is over
They will say with their feet
Pressed unwavering against the door
Forced to stay inside
While outside children are dancing on flames
And cockroaches cover their faces
Like morning dew forced to show
Before the earth is ready
Forced to silliness for nourishment
Red-blue-spotted disasters all of them
On the menu every course
Defining food for coarse tongues
Animals like humans unsuited for such fare
Will flare their snouts at the thought
Of swallowing something so insignificant
So deadly or so full of trouble
As to put every conceivable world in alarm
Ringing like Icelandic singers
From out the middle of what we guessed
Was never anywhere at all
Some deft picture of the world where
If you need stitching you find it
If you need purpose weave it out of dumbness
If you need an edge to the night
The night encompassing the thousand centers
Of the ruthless blinking of night and day
Call it radiation or some other conundrum
Then move on like it never happened
Build to the sky
Dream up angels in the penthouses
Swimming in scandals above
And insist the sky does not fall
Around the same time every day
All teachings sublime
All teachings sublime
Diffused through the pores in some
Leaked from those same pores in others
As they scratch their backs
Or their heads
Some teachers slapped their students
Out of sheer nothingness
And joy in nothingness
And the slap taught more than libraries
Gulped down in volumes
All teachings sublime
Even those of teachers who give up
Midway through the course
Only to then shout at the students
That they are worthless every one
Lessons where becoming educated
Mean shit
Where mean labor and triumphs
Take your learning
And provoke its vanishing
But all teachings sublime
Yes yes all teachings every one
Even the last for which every student
Falls down to sleep to dream of monsters
Who will not let them wake.
I wonder what life would have been…
I wonder what life would have been without him
How the caramel color of the wall
Would sink into a pale yellow
Like my pale yellow heart
As he disappeared behind the wall
And called out to me with an elongated song
Protesting the lazy indifference of the move
To let him go
For so little as human passion
The primal perennial mistake of human passion.
The Salvation
Joyful birthday, Bamm, brother of mine.
They were told that this monstrosity before them was their last hope. The Salvation, it was called, and even used ugly grammar. Children waved to it with little tears in their little eyes, which was saddest of all, since they must have been the most oblivious as to what the whole thing meant. There wasn’t one human body on that ship, but it somehow contained information that was essential to our survival.
It launched no problem, everything went according to plan. The sky was even serenely clear that day, a canopy of mango and lavendar, allowing us to see the ship travel its course, shrinking along the way, until it looked like an old pencil eraser. There was music, some of the last music we would hear, and a parade and smiling and food.
But after a while, the speck in the sky that had been visible for several hours–when nighttime came, it joined the stars–was gone, noticeably gone, leaving a gap between the other lights up there. As that gap grew, it grew more apparent that there is nothing the human can do to mitigate its lonesomeness, nothing involving its craftiness at least.

If all nights were like this
If all nights were like this
I would have achieved the goal
Ten thousand moons ago
I would have conquered the goblins with ease
The clouds moving quicker than the breeze
The moon half-shuttered
The dog's steps barely audible
Through the low grass of all the lawns
Until the night ends
Which it did before the sun rose
When the sirens started, people barking
Dogs yelling for help through all the lanes
And I'm back again where I started
Wondering whether I will sleep at all tonight
Whether I will explore the layers
Or whether day is all there is.
Darkest secrets the last to mention
But another dance move
It is no surprise that every being knows how to dance when it is forced to dance, when being itself is a dance. Do not deride any being for having odd moves and stubling over itself on the dance floor when it is dancing to a song it did not create. It is luck or grace for a being to be able to riff with this primal song, and find a unique and individual variation of it. Dance gracefully or gracelessly, with passion and zeal or without them, sure. But dance we must, and always. Even death itself can be seen as but another dance move, like a bow, whether it is final or not.
