Getting used to this is hard, but I have to get used to it: being a self, I mean, and being a self alone and forever, forever alone and forever a self. Getting used to being a self–hard? Hard like stone is hard, hard and heavy and a deep and solid burden, or hard as in difficult, like putting together a puzzle is difficult, especially when you have no conception of the borderlines of the picture you are piecing together. Both options seem out of sorts when referring to this, to being a self, when referring to getting used to this: for we are always selves, we are always alone with ourselves; always, that means, forever. Yes, preposterous, and unthinkable, this difficulty getting used to–being a self, to living, which we always do. Preposterous but by no means any the less true on that account, therefore a paradox–that is, what can be both true and unthinkable at once: this, that it is possible for us to live in such a way, that we do in fact live in such a way, so that our lives are both the nearest to us–what can be nearer to the living than life?–and furthest from us–far as in foreign, as in unheeded and unacknowledged, far as in unlived. Yes, it surely is a paradox: that the living can at the same time, while breathing, while laughing and crying and dancing and parading with all the signs of life, turn out to be the living dead.
Love the Dust 
Hard like stone that can be carved away or worn smooth by something soft as water…
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This is perfect. Thank you for this. It reminds me of Lao tzu, even while it is different: The best is like water.
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You’re the hunter. Pushing all the way into the very darkest corners until you don’t know how to fight decisively. Water indeed. Careful you don’t get in over your head buddy.
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This is one of the most heartfelt, if searing, responses to a piece I have received. Thank you.
…
And what I assume you shall assume
For every atom belonging to me as well belongs to you….
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I know what cows you’ve been milking so watch your bull.
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Guide me a bit down the pasture…. I am unsure how to take or read this.
Thanks for visiting.
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You are a baby bird with your craw wide open to a mothers regurgitation. But you don’t know what the worm originally looked like. You don’t know what it tastes like without your mothers saliva mixed in. You will read this and take this how you will. There’s nothing I could do to enlighten you. You’ve been praised, flattered, followed, after plunking down in everyone’s backyard at the barbecue. Barely paying it forward. You’re a glutton.
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I understand, now. Thank you. I cannot complain with words powerful as these. I apologize if I have somehow ignored you, or someone, or have taken advantage of you, or someone.
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I don’t want you to apologize. I’m not asking you for a thing. I don’t feel ignored by you. You’ve been riffing off everyone I know. Not ripping… riffing. You’re even good at it. But there you are being the center of it all. You don’t just want us to come be enlightened by you. You want to soften our edges and polish us into something kinder. You want to be the bridge between our gaps without understanding why the gap is there. So that’s cool. Don’t say you’re sorry. Lots of people have tried to do it. But you will see all of them (my friends) vanish on you. Guaranteed. You didn’t make any mistakes. You went along with the open source status quo that has raped my female and gay friends offline and out of spaces for over a decade. It doesn’t matter if you understand and it doesn’t matter if you care. I’m just saying.
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These gaps are certainly real. I enjoy breakthroughs with other human beings.
There is not much more to say here, for I feel a decision has been made.
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Absolutely a decision has been made. Enjoy your choices.
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It’s hard for me not to take this as a swerving into the comic. I understand you are serious. May what happens happen.
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Hi Richard… just reading the comment section and I know you’re not saying Rape is comic but that what Sean is saying must feel serious for him. In the future don’t say it’s swerving on comic. Don’t talk to people about rape that way. Simply say, this sounds serious for you and agree to part ways. If you can’t be sensitive to the subject, at least don’t laugh at it. People are not kind on wordpress. If they were, Sean wouldn’t be on your site lumping you in with the assholes. He knows a few of us truly like you and what you have done is to help some of us feel catharsis, or engagement in phenomenal ways. But he’s right in that you won’t be able to bridge the gap. I am also going into private mode and am reconsidering how I want to share on line. I am sorry if you got placed in the middle of an old battle field. I am new to it as well, but there are some of my friends that have lived thru five incarnations of it. WordPress is a good idea and it yet doesn’t work. I hope you know I hold you in the highest regard.
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Hey, Kincaid.
I am unsure what to say. I do not want to laugh at others’ pain, real or imaginary. I want to laugh only at my own pain. And that is a task, not just insane cackling.
The word Rape threw me off guard. I thought Surely there must be some misunderstanding. But no, I think I understand now. (Please tell me if I am plain wrong:) The rape of not leaving alone and not giving space when that is the other’s wish. I would rather not laugh, or give the impression that I am even preparing to laugh, at pain like this.
I feel dense for overlooking that. I was taking the comments I was replying to as more out of nowhere than they actually were.
The internet can be a disaster, as it gives free reign to all of our wilderness. I don’t think it is only a disaster, though. You have been a giant voice for me in this online route I have been taking. Thank you always. For sharing with me, for being candid, for giving me precious bits of reality.
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You do know what to say. You said that respectful to all but include yourself and do not think yourself dense. It’s even harder to understand what people mean on twitter due to limited word count. Everyone has a baseboard they plug into and react from, some more than others, and some want to stay conditioned and others don’t see themselves as conditioned and some want no conditions or everything unconditional love and your willingness and generosity to speak about online conduct is rare and I appreciate you for it immensely. I don’t actually think you need to be schooled. I think this is just more like a check in to make sure everyone is ok.
I was thinking about “kindness” and what it must mean… at root. Our own kind. To treat another as if our own. Perhaps we don’t treat our own well enough to extend kindness as we have come to believe to “others” but I know you to be someone who is actively participating in empathy. Thank you. I hope you can breathe easy and don’t feel set back in any way. You deserve freedom of expression. What you share has sparks… that ignite and catch and spread in different ways. This is all good. I don’t want you to burn out. Or get burned. You need better than wet kindling from any of us. 🙌🏻❤︎
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Thank you, Kincaid. I cannot contain my gratitude for every word of this reply of yours. Every jot of it is clarifying and heart-strengthening.
I wish I could say more right now, but I cannot. I hope your days are encouraging.
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I’m reading over the conversation… The rape that happened is literal #MeTOO and it extends to online behavior. Like how Elon Musk blocked so many black women (particularly journalists) on twitter. Elon has currently blocked WordPress (Jetpack) and wordpress is trying to figure out why. But they know why. I in particular have asked certain “writers” online to leave me alone. They ignore me. Some of them write about cutting up women into millions of pieces and called it “horror” in genre. That’s fine and well for them, but when I have asked him to stop coming to my blog with his violent fantasies, he has persisted. Then when asking a “happiness engineer” for a way to block him, there is no way to do this. They encourage open source, but what that has done is given us all AI bots that take our words and make “in kind” posts etc. This is just an example. Sean is mad at what has been done to me and others. You laughed at that.
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Pussy Krampus,
This is dire. Is there anything I can do to help?
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It’s not enough to say you are laughing at yourself.
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I would never expect that it would be enough. If there is anything I can do to turn this situation around for us, let me know.
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Grace of the Sun is a blogger we have asked to leave us alone. She finally has. Grace as a word is problematic. The blogger I mentioned is a problem unto her own. We will leave you be. WordPress is broke and failing in the “business” model. I am sorry if you feel injured. But you’ll get over it.
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This is surprising, saying to someone who “might” feel injured that he or she or they will “get over it.” It goes against so much of the undercurrent of our discussions so far.
I hope your days are full. And with things or people you enjoy.
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And when I say we will “leave you be” I don’t feel I ever “bothered” you actually. You followed me and wanted to be engaged in conversation beyond the shallow status quo. I did that for you. I fed you.
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You have fed me indeed. We are at a veritable banquet.
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And who are you to act like you were unaware of “alter-egos” and relationships on line? So what if my DJ name is different from my pen name is different from my handle is different from given name? That doesn’t make me a person with multiple personalities, or full of guile or in hiding, it means I work in different roles and capacities. It’s pretty easy to find my embedded links that lead to my art. I am a multi-media artist. I have painted for the conceptual artist Jeff Koons who can’t paint his way out of a paper bag but whose work sells at auction for over 100,000 dollars and hangs in the Guggenheim.
And you know what? I have been raped and or sexually harassed by employers, teachers, doctors and so being forced to accept bullshit online and have my content fed on by little leaguers who have more control over my blog than I do, it not gonna happen anymore. so FUCK your grace and your kindness and you.
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I do not mind at all that you, or others, have alter egos, and I have used them myself, if not here. My mother wanted to name me Karemm when I was born so, since she died when I was a child, I call myself Karemm at times. A lot of the poetry is written by Karemm.
You in fact, though, have been the only person to tell me pretty forwardly that this was the case for you on wordpress. At least you were the first to do so. Again, I do not mind this. I do not mind if it is ever even revealed. The point of an alter ego, at least sometimes, can be precisely to hide. I support hiding for a good number of reasons.
It can feel damaging to step one foot into this world.
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There was this guy a while back who was gay and who had a big crush on Nietzsche who used his comment section like a mud trap for my friends. He had written a post about why he wasn’t a feminist. So, the issue at hand was, why did he feel the need to even express that and why was he writing about feminism in the first place. It derailed similarly to the way this conversation has… Then he abandoned the blog leaving it in public, as is. Tabby and the guy left it in a “good enough” place and she was sure everyone would be friends if they only knew each other better… if only there was more patience with each other to find out. But there were certain areas where no one would surrender and because he had felt the need to cling to his snark and defensiveness, it became a foolish space. I tell you this story now because you are using your comment section as a mud trap for my friends. If you didn’t mean to do anything wrong, you should free my friends. Let go of them. I am asking you to remove the comments with the people you have made feel the online abuse and rape memories. If you care about them at all. No one wants to be “outed” by you.
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Thank you for this story, and for the allusion.
Could you please explain how I have “made” others revisit painful memories?
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sure buddy, here’s that “story” and the way the comments went down… and the abandoned blog by Bad Idea Brennan if U really MUST know. But I don’t like u.
https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/175044470/posts/766
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this might be a better link to the abandoned blog, intact with the comments…
my last comment seemed to blip out. in case you didn’t get it, I don’t like u, but if you must know the “story”
and how the comments went down, go for it:
https://badideabrennan.wordpress.com/2022/07/01/why-i-am-not-a-feminist/
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Thank you for opening this door for me.
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How about you fuck off now.
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